Why is it that things always happen on Mondays ? It's not just that things appear worse because it's Monday - more bad stuff actually happens on Monday. It's 24 hours long, just like every other day of the week, yet more crap seems to be thrown at you on this particular day. I went to bed at midnight after being shattered all day and was suddenly hit by a bout of insomnia which lasted until 4am. At 7am I woke up, tired and confused and, in a moment of weakness, broke my cigarette fast. It wasn't anything special actually so I don't really want any more, which I suppose was a good result. But I have been kicking myself half the day in case this becomes the "just one" which breaks the whole effort. Seems I've got away with it though. Secondly, got to work to be instructed that this was to be a hellish week with far too much to do. Given that I've got a train to Turku to begin the long trek home on Friday afternoon and have to escape from work early for that, it means I'll have even less time to work on what I have to do. This wouldn't be a problem if I could stay later at work to finish this off, but I also have to complete a statistics course project on SPSS. For those of you who haven't become acquainted with SPSS, it's a horribly pointless piece of software which is being lumped on poor unsuspecting students in a worldwide conspiracy to make us think that we're far more stupid than we actually are. I went through an emotional rollercoaster over 6 weeks to try to complete this course with a modicum of understanding for the complexities of this programme - how it works, what those numbers are supposed to mean, what the point of it all is - and after much psychological torture I finally emerged unscathed with one task left - complete a term paper by Friday in order to get course credits. I did nearly half of it last week. Today, I came to the library to continue it and noticed that for some reason the version I was using no longer has a valid license on the school computers. There's a newer version and it doesn't understand my saved work. In weeks gone by I would have stepped outside and furiously puffed on a cigarette while muttering under my breath. These days I'm limited to muttering under my breath and I have to say, while it's much better for my health, it doesn't feel quite as satisfying.
Hence I am proposing making Monday the last day of the weekend, which will leave us an extra 8 hours to deal with all the crap that gets thrown at us.
Dec 10, 2008
An Alternative Method
A while back I claimed that "Today I'm taking my first step in quitting smoking". That was October 30th and, once again, it amounted to not much as I tried to slow down, cut down one day at a time, eliminate the post-metro fag or the out-of-work fag without much success. In any case, if I didn't have it one day I just had it half an hour later when I got back home. I also realised that I would spend about as much money between now and September as I did on my flights to Lebanon and Syria. The result of this was that, by my own twisted logic, if I quit smoking now, the holiday to the Middle East would be my reward, and it would be free !
For this and other reasons, I went cold turkey two days ago. I've been clean for 38 hours now and, although I've had some close calls, it's been relatively plain sailing. The funny thing I've noticed is that there are a lot of mind games going on that I'm playing with myself. As I'm walking down the street and not smoking I find myself thinking that I can always have a cigar instead and that won't count. Or trying to work out if it's possible to have a cigarette every x days or weeks without being considered "a smoker". Last night, I tried to reason with myself in order to justify having one on the balcony. It just takes a moment of clarity to realise this and tell myself to shut up and keep pushing forward with this but in the heat of the moment I don't really realise that this is what's going on and I'm hoping I don't slip up. I still have nothing against them and would have no problem having one from time to time but my main priority here is to be free of them, to be able to look at a cigarette the same way I look at a beer - as something that's nice to have from time to time but which will cause me absolutely no grief if I don't have it. I'm not there yet but I've got into the swing and I think I've got over the first difficult wave. I'm anticipating one or two more and then, as I claimed on October 30th, I would be smoke-free by the new year !
I haven't noticed any differences yet but, like the mind games my subconscious is playing with me to justify sneaking one in, I'm playing games with it too. When I walk, I breathe in heavily and tell myself my lungs are filling up more than they used to. I run up the escalator coming out of the metro and tell myself I feel better that I would have last week. I make myself look down on people smoking, telling myself they are going to be stuck as slaves to the Marlboro corporation. All the while, I'd quite fancy one myself but with some intense concentration it's possible and I'm quite honestly surprised that it hasn't been more difficult.
Again, watch this space !
For this and other reasons, I went cold turkey two days ago. I've been clean for 38 hours now and, although I've had some close calls, it's been relatively plain sailing. The funny thing I've noticed is that there are a lot of mind games going on that I'm playing with myself. As I'm walking down the street and not smoking I find myself thinking that I can always have a cigar instead and that won't count. Or trying to work out if it's possible to have a cigarette every x days or weeks without being considered "a smoker". Last night, I tried to reason with myself in order to justify having one on the balcony. It just takes a moment of clarity to realise this and tell myself to shut up and keep pushing forward with this but in the heat of the moment I don't really realise that this is what's going on and I'm hoping I don't slip up. I still have nothing against them and would have no problem having one from time to time but my main priority here is to be free of them, to be able to look at a cigarette the same way I look at a beer - as something that's nice to have from time to time but which will cause me absolutely no grief if I don't have it. I'm not there yet but I've got into the swing and I think I've got over the first difficult wave. I'm anticipating one or two more and then, as I claimed on October 30th, I would be smoke-free by the new year !
I haven't noticed any differences yet but, like the mind games my subconscious is playing with me to justify sneaking one in, I'm playing games with it too. When I walk, I breathe in heavily and tell myself my lungs are filling up more than they used to. I run up the escalator coming out of the metro and tell myself I feel better that I would have last week. I make myself look down on people smoking, telling myself they are going to be stuck as slaves to the Marlboro corporation. All the while, I'd quite fancy one myself but with some intense concentration it's possible and I'm quite honestly surprised that it hasn't been more difficult.
Again, watch this space !
Dec 5, 2008
Impulse Purchase
I'm not usually an impulse purchase fan. It seems to me to be the epitome of "shop for the hell of it". Given that I'm an enormous hypocrite, of course, I tend to do it quite a bit myself. Usually, though, it's been limited to chocolate bars while queueing for the shop check-out and the like.
Today though, I impulse purchased a holiday. M's going on a girly trip to Paris and, given that I'm not a girly, I'm barred from the trip. In a fit of jealous rage and in order to not be sitting around bored all weekend, I decided to go see some friends in Poland at the same time. Flights weren't easy to hunt down when I looked at them yesterday (meaning that they were very easy to hunt down, but not for cheap) so I extended my horizons slightly. Half an hour later I was drooling over a cheap deal to the Middle East. Today I asked my boss for some days off around the Easter weekend and tonight I whipped out M's Visa card and bought it. It's come so quickly that it hasn't really sunk in ! So on the 8th of April I'm hopping on a plane to Beirut. 6 days later, my return will be taking off from Damascus. It seems I'm going alone and I really don't know what to find there. It's the first time I'll have really travelled by myself (aside from little overland A-to-B trips in Europe) and my first time in the Middle East (or indeed any part of Asia) so it'll be an interesting trip - both in terms of discovering a new part of the world and maybe discovering myself a little.
Very cool. I'm very happy. And excited. And, most of all, I'm wondering how to break this news to my mother.
Today though, I impulse purchased a holiday. M's going on a girly trip to Paris and, given that I'm not a girly, I'm barred from the trip. In a fit of jealous rage and in order to not be sitting around bored all weekend, I decided to go see some friends in Poland at the same time. Flights weren't easy to hunt down when I looked at them yesterday (meaning that they were very easy to hunt down, but not for cheap) so I extended my horizons slightly. Half an hour later I was drooling over a cheap deal to the Middle East. Today I asked my boss for some days off around the Easter weekend and tonight I whipped out M's Visa card and bought it. It's come so quickly that it hasn't really sunk in ! So on the 8th of April I'm hopping on a plane to Beirut. 6 days later, my return will be taking off from Damascus. It seems I'm going alone and I really don't know what to find there. It's the first time I'll have really travelled by myself (aside from little overland A-to-B trips in Europe) and my first time in the Middle East (or indeed any part of Asia) so it'll be an interesting trip - both in terms of discovering a new part of the world and maybe discovering myself a little.
Very cool. I'm very happy. And excited. And, most of all, I'm wondering how to break this news to my mother.
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